There was a point in time where Jacky told me I would hate it- being overseas. Because all of them are back home.

i guess he's right. For now.

I do feel lonely here and there isn't one person i know that i can really relate to, have a good chat without giving judgements on anything.

I hope it'll be better in Bristol.

Well my final paper's gna be over soon. seems like a very risky paper but ahh, come what may! I mean, i've probably done what i can do.

going back in 3 weeks' time!

CANNOT WAIT TO EAT AN ABUNDANCE OF FOOD.

AND HAVE FUCKLOADS OF FUN.

making myself seem so small with eyes only i could see.

it seems that no one can be That close for comfort.
where being in self-doubt has become a hobby of mine and in turn, doubting anyone else seems normal in a cynical, pessimistic sort of way.

sometimes i think that it is justified, and sometimes it is as if i'd rather live a lie than believe a truth.

it came to a point where i think i'd like to live in an idealistic world, where everything is perfect and happy. and i could live knowing that it is sufficiently satisfying for me to carry on with this, lie or deception, for me to enjoy life to its fullest.

i realised that i'm afraid of ugly truths.
im afraid of what they might entail.
its as if ive seen so many of them realities, crashing in front of me that i don't want to know or see or hear anything that would destroy this perfectly safe and flawless world i have in my head.

its true, you see- better to live a lie than see the ugly truth. for i am growing very very very afraid of them.

"Sometimes when you've wanted something for too long, you accept that it'll only stay a dream. When suddenly presented with a possibility of it coming true you become paralyzed with so much fear you'd rather give it up and let it stay a dream than actually give it a chance to fail.

I wish I could add something here that goes along the lines of 'carpe diem! give it a shot! failure is the mother of success!' but along with growing up comes fear of consequences.

Better to dream impossibly in technicolor than live an actual nightmare set in stone."

ah. roughly over a week more before i head back to my home city. seems as if the time i've spent here is frisky and brisk. i wonder if i'll ever miss this place?

once upon a time i used to blog about things that happen in school, things that involve the romancing of time (and certain people). seems like im increasingly feeling lazy to update anything as i grow older.

damn my birdbrain for leaving the personal journal back home.
the bday present from kong&delwin as well.

i wonder how october will be like.
excited yet feeling kinda uncomfortable.

maybe what mom said is really true.
you've forgotten that you have a wife. and a daughter.

the world works in mysterious ways.
but i believe in it's power, however bizarre it has come to seem.

i think this might be the worst thing that could happen for my politics module.

i guess i'll scrape through. somehow.

God (and the books),please give me guidance.







17 DAYS. I MISS ESMOND. MY MOM AND BRO. MAHJONG. MY WATER BED. AND MY DOG.

Dear me,

i guess you're suffering from the consequences that only you have to bear just because you made such a huge blunder in your life til now. i guess you're feeling as if the weight of the world world is upon your shoulders you thought were sturdy, strong, and sufficient to hide your nightmares far away and deep down, away from the surface. yet it made it's ugly presence felt this time. and you cant sleep nor think straight.

but i guess what i want you to know is that you're gna be alright, safe and sound in arms filled with loved by so many. who wish to see you triump instead of fall back on your knees. strength does not have to come from you alone. so stay safe, and regain your confidence my dear. for you know life is so much more than a slip of paper you know not to compare.

but i beg you please, please turn your mind away from these ugly thoughts for now and focus on what lies immediately ahead. the stepping stones will fall into place thereafter.

remember you're not alone. stay strong and have faith.

a single mind can move mountains.
a dozen can change the world.

this term isnt anything like the last. ive been constantly feeling tiresome, lethargic, fatigue and utterly unmotivated.

what i am looking forward to though, is the easter holiday. i want to get This over and done with so that i can head back. and start enjoying life like it should be. i dont want to concern myself with what is a politically correct view, or what meritocracy is, or whatever that makes me think even when i dont want to. i want to have pure, unrestrained Fun. FUN in all meanings of the word!

so please, all unknown forces in the world, dont let memory fail me and let me get through this.

this feels like boarding school. no, this feels worse than boarding school.

today, especially today, i missed my friends back home. 
and i looked through photos on my phone, thought of how jacky says he's gna pick me up from the airport if my parents are unable to. 

i thought of how i'm skyping damien on the 4th to plan his birthday plans together with him. how im gna talk t anges soon about when to bake when im back. and how the gang's gna have the huge friends marathon at my place or damien's.

i thought about minl and syu. and about veron and co. and aimee. and how my easter break is gna be like the christmas holidays, just meeting all of them every damn day and going around with esmond. 

for once in my whole life, i feel as if i'm a 3rd wheel here. 
so im probably like the spare tyre in the boot. not really needed but it wouldnt do if i wasnt in the backseat (sort of). 

i miss netball. i miss school. i miss hanging out. i miss having fun without any reservations. i miss my friends. i miss home. 
i miss being normal. i miss being a singaporean girl who loves chilling in places with nice ambiences just because. 

rach says im a typical singaporean girl from a local chinese school. 

but i miss it. i miss it so much. and netball and just being a typical singaporean girl. without having to argue about politics during lunch or the having the idea of gossip news being news about singaporean ministers. 

i wish to see more justice done in this world.

but it seems that there is less and less (done) everyday. 

but what on earth, is justice?